Eternal Sorrow
by Muraki Kazutaka
Summary: A fic following the story of Muraki Kazutaka's life. This is my first YnM fanfic, so please R/R, but go easy on me.


Sorrow.  It was almost all that he ever knew, practically the only thing that he knew.  It was sad how things often were, how even those most innocent had to suffer the consequences of another's actions, another's misery.  But it had always been this way, one person's misery snowballing into another's, the painful cycle never ending despite one's attempts to break it.  How cruel life often was.  Since it was people like him that often had to suffer, that often lost everything all because of another's greed, another's actions that they were unable to control and unable to escape from no matter what it was that they did.

It was really pointless fighting it all now though, since his sorrows had come into existence long before he had even been born, and now he had to bear 'their' sins, bear them as his own personal burden.  Life wasn't fair.  Why did he have to silently suffer while everyone else around him could lead normal lives, oblivious to his agony?  Could none of them see his pain, or did they simply choose to ignore it, not wanting to get involved for fear of drawing themselves into the problem?  Did no one care?  No one at all?

He had often wondered this back when he was merely a child, a child trapped within terrible despair that really could spend no time enjoying the simple pleasures of childhood.  Oh how he longed to simply forget all of his problems, to be one of 'them', living a carefree life without having to return to a broken home, a family that didn't really care.  He wanted more than anything to just be like everyone else, to come home to a normal family, which loved him regardless of anything else that may happen, their love unconditional, but that was never meant to be.  Instead he lived in a broken home where his parent's love was all but conditional, if it even existed at all, since they were too lost within their own problems to even notice his suffering.

But he was just being selfish.

He knew that he was, but back then he didn't understand all of this, since in a way he believed that his parents' problems were all of his fault, and that he was the one that caused them all of their misery.  So technically he had a right to be suffering.  Or did he?

He had grown up in a nice home in Tokyo, a beautiful place really, which was shaded by sakura trees that bloomed with such beauty in the spring, that one could almost forget all of their problems simply by looking upon them.  The house itself was quite luxurious, since his family was pretty well-off, since they were a fairly old family, a family of a long line of doctors, of which his grandfather and father were, and a career that he too would also follow.  But he remembered his home as a lovely place, a place tended to by a few of the family's servants, and a place that seemed to be flawless, though few knew of the darkness that lie beneath the exterior beauty.  A darkness that would all but destroy his family, destroy him.

Before his entire world fell apart he had tried to make the best of things, trying to overlook his family's problems as it began to deteriorate and lead a normal life.  It was hard though, and he often had trouble in school because of all of the problems he had back at home.  Because of this it was even harder for him to make friends, and for a majority of his time spent in school he had no friends, since none of them could possibly understand him or his troubles.  Needless to say, it was a lonely existence, but one he dealt with as best as he possibly could.

But over time, he was finally able to make one friend, a young boy that also seemed to have his own fair share of problems, especially due to his family's name, which wasn't always considered 'respectable'.  The young boy's name was Mibu Oriya, and he had met him when he was twelve years old, when he and his family had moved to Kyoto for a time, when he was about eight years old or so.  But Oriya had lived in Kyoto all of his life, and his family came from a long line of 'servants', to put it nicely, that owned an often less than respectable establishment, a brothel.  As such, the family had a reputation of always catering to other's desires, always doing as the other person wished without any sort of expectation for so much as a 'thank you' in return.  Few people were able to overlook this stereotype, though he had seen otherwise before he had even befriended the other boy.

In fact, he felt that in some strange way that he and the other boy were alike, both misunderstood, and both with problems stemming from their families, though Oriya's only seemed to stem from his family name and reputation, not the family itself, unlike his own.  But due to his family name and reputation Oriya had often been outcast by the other children, and called names such as 'whore' and 'pimp', since they all believed that was all that he was, that there was no other person behind that 'mask' which he often hid behind.  He knew though, as he watched from afar.  For he too wore such a mask, though one that wasn't immediately obvious, since his personal problems were all but unknown to anyone else but himself, but Oriya's were open to the attacks and cruelty of other people.

So, despite all that he heard of the other boy, and how 'dishonorable' he and his family were, he had approached him, interested in and determined to see what was behind that mask which the other boy wore.  He had naturally always been curious about anything and everything, and he found himself to be fascinated with the other child, since he wanted to know what it was that made him 'tick'.  His behavior was probably a bit unnerving to Oriya, the other boy clearly displaying this at times, but soon enough he was able to gain his trust, and the two grew close, almost inseparable.  Though he was never really able to tell Oriya of his own problems, nor did he really want to tell the other boy about them, since he figured that if Oriya were ever to learn of them that he might not want to be his friend anymore, and the fact that he simply didn't want to burden anyone else with his problems.

So things went that way for a time, until that one faithful day…

*****

The bell sounded, signaling the end to yet another day as the front doors burst open and students began to pour through out into the open courtyard, already making plans on how they would spend their weekend.  He also walked amongst them, school books in hand, as he mentally went over how he would spend the rest of his day before heading back home, a day which he would probably spend doing the usual thing.  Then again, he always seemed to look forward to it, since he enjoyed going downtown and looking at all the various shops, seeing what sort of treasures that he could find, and of course looking at the new dolls that they may have at the antique shop.  He loved collecting antique dolls, perhaps only because it was one of his strange little quirks or maybe because his mother also collected them and loved them so, since it wasn't often that one found a boy interested in such a thing, after all, dolls were mainly considered a 'girly' sort of thing.  He had been told this often enough from other children that he had told of his hobby before, so he had learned it best not to mention it to anyone else, lest risk being humiliated and made fun of for the rest of his high school life, since after all, he had other problems to deal with.

Now Oriya was the only one outside of his family that knew, and thankfully enough, he didn't make fun of him because of it.

"Kazutaka," At the sound of the voice he snapped out of his thoughts, and looked over in the direction of where the voice had come.

He was greeted by the sight of his best friend, who stood looking at him with soft amber-color eyes, his book bag slung over his right shoulder, and his long sable hair pulled back into a neat pony tail.

"Hmm?" He looked at Oriya, the dappled sunlight dancing upon the ground beneath him and making his silvery hair sparkle.

"Where are you headed?"  He said as he gazed at the other boy, cocking his head to the side slightly.

"Downtown." He replied simply, as he stuffed his books back into his book bag and then threw it over his shoulders.

"Oh, off to do the usual thing I take it?"

"Yeah," he said, as he began to walk through the courtyard again, the other boy walking beside him.  "You want to come?"

"Sure why not?  It's not like I have anything else better to do."  The dark-haired boy said with a smile, as he continued to walk along beside the quieter boy, who seemed too lost in thought again.

"Like what, practicing with your katana again?"  He replied.

"Well, I could do that, but let's just say I'd rather do something else besides practice for a change."

"I see."

"Besides, the parents say I should get out of the house more, so I figured who better not to spend my free time with than you?"  The dark-haired boy replied with a smile, as he playfully shoved the other boy nearly sending him toppling over.

"Hey watch it you big idiot."  He replied, pushing the other boy back.

"Alright, no need to get violent."  Oriya said, as they made their way down the crowded main street, making their way to the allotment of shops setup further down, which was already packed with potential customers.

By the time they made it all the way down to where the shops were they were already packed full of customers, who eagerly crowded them to gaze upon what the shopkeeper's had to offer, which were items of every sort imaginable.  Items which one could spend hours looking upon and never grow tired, a thing that Oriya and he had often done on days which they had gotten out of school early, and days on which they had nothing else to do.  But it was always an amusing thing to do, since new items seemed to arrive in the shops almost daily, making the experience different almost every time that they came.  It especially made hunting down rare items a bit easier.

Time seemed to go by a lot faster when he spent it here, especially when he had Oriya for company, since his friend had a way of making him forget all of his problems when nothing or no one else possibly could.  He simply loved spending his time this way, since it was during these times that he could forget everything and simply be like everyone else, as if he hadn't a problem in the world.  It almost made him hate having to go back home, forcing him to once more return to the way he was, a miserable teenage boy trapped within a broken home with a dysfunctional family.  If only he could simply remain free of worry within Oriya's company for the rest of his life, then he would be happy, and then he would finally be just like everyone else, but that apparently was never meant to be.

Before he even knew it all of the time had simply flown by, and it was time for them both to be getting back home, though he silently dreaded it as he and Oriya began the long walk back.

"Well see you tomorrow."  Oriya said once they reached his house, as he made his way toward his front door.  "Maybe tomorrow we can go by the mall and check out the new bookstore that they've opened there."

"Sure."  He replied, "If I don't have anything to do at home."

"Be sure to give me a call then, see you later."  Oriya said, as he opened the door, and waved one final time before disappearing back inside, leaving him to walk the rest of the way home by himself.

He would rather walk home by himself anyways, since he didn't want Oriya to see his parents, especially his mother, who wasn't exactly in her right state of mind anymore.  Then again, his mother hadn't really been 'normal', since she never did appear to be sane, the last time he remembered her to be sane was when he was six years old, but over the years his mother's insanity only seemed to grow worse.  He had no idea why his mother was insane, and all that his father would simply say was that she was going through a lot of stress and that it was causing her to act in such a way, though his father never mentioned what sort of stress had driven his mother to act in such a way.  Whenever he inquired of it, his father told him to just forget about it and that soon enough she would come to.

But she never did, and he was beginning to think that she never would.

Strangely enough, it also seemed like his father didn't even care…

"Ka-sama, I'm home."  He said, as he opened the front door and made his way inside and towards his room, hoping that his mother wasn't home.

"Kazutaka-san," He heard her soft voice call out to him as he was putting his things away, "Kazutaka-san come here."

Inwardly he sighed, as he set his things aside and made his way down the hall and into the living room, where his mother sat within the shadows upon an armchair set in the far corner of the room.

"Yes Ka-sama?"  He said as he approached her, until he was standing right beside where she sat.

"There you are my dear Kazutaka-san," she said, reaching out a pale and frail-looking hand to gently touch his face.  "I'm so glad that you're here."

He knelt down beside of her chair, so that she would have an easier time in seeing him, since she already appeared to be so weak, though from what exactly, he was unable to tell.  She just seemed so ill; perhaps her madness had finally almost completely consumed her, now destroying her body as well as her mind.  Just the sight of it made him sick, since despite how mad, and how badly his mother may have treated him, he still did love her and hated to see her like this.  He hated to see her suffer, and he hated to gaze into her dark eyes, which now seemed so lifeless and hollow, it was almost like gazing into the eyes of one of his precious dolls.  Humans weren't supposed to be that way.

"Don't worry Ka-sama, I'm here now."  He gently placed his hand over hers, which still cupped his cheek.  It felt so cold…

"He's going to be coming back, he's going to come back and destroy us.  He doesn't love either of us, so he's going to come back and kill us.  He'll bring 'it' with him since he hates us so much.  We'll die, we'll die, we'll die!"  She shrieked, pulling her hand from his cheek and wrapping her arms around him, holding him tightly to her, but at that very moment his father stepped into the room, staring at them from the doorway.

"Kazutaka, go to your room."  He said firmly as he slowly began to approach them, an angry look in his eyes.

"No Kazutaka-san, don't listen to him, don't leave me!"  She said, clinging to him even tighter as she seemed to go into hysterics, tears rolling down her cheeks as she buried her face into his shoulder, never loosening her grip upon him.

"Now Kazutaka."  His father said irritation in his voice.

"I-I have to go now Ka-sama, but I promise that I won't be gone for long."  He said as he tried to pull away, though his mother wouldn't release him, as if in doing so something horrible would happen to her.

"No!"  She wailed, clinging to him as if for dear-life.

Finally though, his father came over and pulled her off of him, all the while as she thrashed and flailed violently about trying to escape from his grasp, as she continued to scream and cry uncontrollably.

"Go to your room now Kazutaka!"  His father yelled at him, as he quickly rushed out of the room, the tortured wails of his mother still seeming to follow after him as he went inside and closed the door to his room.  Though muffled, he could still hear almost every word that his mother and father said; despite how hard he tried to simply ignore it all.

"You hate us, Kazutaka-san and me!  You'll kill us both!"

"Enough!"  He heard a sharp slapping sound, followed by a dull thud and his mother's muffled cries.  "Quit filling the boy's mind with your madness!"

"You won't kill us; Kazutaka-san will kill you first!  Die demon, die!"

Another sharp sound, followed by an eerie silence.

In his room he simply lied down and tried to push everything from his mind, trying to ignore the voices echoing down the hall from the other room, and his own inner voices which fought with him over what he should do, what he couldn't do…He hated himself for being unable to do anything, he hated feeling so utterly helpless and at the mercy of those around him, who really could care less about anything else other than themselves.  How he had wished for the power right then to simply rise up from his bed and leave this house, leave it behind forever and to never look back, with no regrets following him, slowly consuming and destroying him.  But that apparently was never meant to be, for he was trapped, trapped within this vicious and agonizing cycle for the rest of his life, however much longer that would be.

 For now though, he simply closed his eyes and prayed that it all would just be over, one way or another…..

*****

"Kazutaka, I would like you to meet someone.  This is your older brother, Shindou Saki, and he's come here to live with us."

He was struck with horror and utter shock as he gazed upon the older boy that now stood before him, a boy that his father had now named as his older brother, but how could that be?  The answer struck him as too awful to be true, yet it was, this much was as clear as the other boy that now stood before him smiling slightly as he stood in the doorway to the room gazing upon him with almost hypnotic eyes.  Yet, he somehow couldn't bring himself to believe what it was that his father was saying, nor could he come to believe that the other boy standing before him was his brother; a brother that he never even knew existed.  Then it seemed to dawn upon him, and the truth made him sick, so sick that he thought that he would never be able to feel well ever again, for he had finally understood what it was that had drove his mother insane.

His father had cheated on her with another woman he learned, and this woman had been one of his own patients, whom he had gotten pregnant during one of their little 'flings', and ironically enough, this woman had given birth to his older brother on the same day that he had been conceived.  How terribly ironic, and later on he would also learn that his mother had discovered his father's little affair, but rather than being enraged by the fact that he had gotten another woman pregnant, she instead begged that if he didn't love her then he could at least give her a child.    So then it was known to him that he had been nothing more than an exchange, merely a substitution for the love that his father no longer had for his mother, a love which had never existed for him.  His mother had been right then, his father never wanted him, since he was merely something to replace a lost sense of love…he was nothing but an object.

"Hello Kazutaka, it's a pleasure to meet you."  The other boy said with a strange smile, snapping him out of his thoughts, though now he was rendered into a state of shock, since this person that he barely knew had addressed him by his given name.  It was quite sad how one insult seemed only to lead to another.

"I-It's a pleasure to meet you too Shindou-san."  He at last replied, though his head still remained hung, since he couldn't bear to look into the other boy's eyes, see his empty smile which seemed to burn into his very soul.

"Good," their father replied, "come along now Saki, your room's just down this way."

With that said their father disappeared down the hallway, leading the other boy to his new room, which was just across the hall from his room, now it was certain the other, his 'brother' would never be out of his sight.  He tried not to blame it on Saki though, since it wasn't his fault that he was here thanks to their father's sinful ways, instead he placed all of the blame, all of the anger, the hatred upon his father, who was responsible for it all.  For he had been the one to cause all of this grief, not Saki, so he tried his best to get along with the other boy, though it was terribly hard, since every time that he looked upon his brother all he could see was his father's betrayal.  Which seemed to stare back at him as clearly as his face was reflected in Saki's cool gray eyes, eyes that seemed to strangely radiate a sense of evil…?

No…It couldn't be, it probably was just his own anguish that was causing him to see such things, things like the black aura that seemed to surround Saki emanating from within him.  But that couldn't be possible…could it?

He would soon come to learn though, that what he did see was indeed real, and by then it would be too late, when this 'evil' would make itself known upon the destruction of his life.

For now though, he simply dealt with it, since he knew that Saki had no where else to go, since his mother had died not too long ago and he had no other family to stay with, save for their father, and his mother.  Though upon Saki's arrival at their home his mother began to act even stranger than usual, since she avoided Saki at all costs, as if she were afraid of him, or merely afraid to see the truth behind what she had known all along.  Perhaps it would just be too much for her to take, and seeing the truth laid bare before her would probably simply be too much for her to handle anymore, so she avoided Saki like one would avoid a disease, so she only came out when Saki wasn't at the house or in the dead of night.  During these times she would seek him out, and cling to him as if he were the only thing keeping her together, as she sobbed, sometimes for hours at a time.

He never did get to meet with Oriya that day, and it was only until the next day that he was finally able to escape from the house to go and meet his friend, who he told all of his troubles to, and surprisingly enough to him Oriya seemed to understand.

"I-I just don't know what to do anymore," he said, holding his head in his hands as he sat upon the low wall overlooking the ocean that crashed just below, the light of the full moon making his hair sparkle with an almost unearthly beauty.  Oh how easy it would have been to just cast himself off of that cliff and into the sea, then he could lose himself in death's cold embrace and all of his problems would simply cease to exist, but sadly that was never meant to be.  For he had considered suicide many times throughout the course of his short life, since at times he believed that it was the only way that he would ever be freed from all of his misery, which only seemed to be growing worse with each passing day.

"It would definitely be hard to accept, I know that I wouldn't be easily able to accept such a thing either."  Oriya at last replied, as he gazed over at the other boy sitting beside of him, who still clutched his head in all of the despair that seemed to be consuming him.  "I probably could never forgive my father if he had done such a thing."

Oriya knew that he was the only one that knew of all of Kazutaka's problems, problems that seemed to torment the other boy to the point of having a nervous breakdown, a thing that no one should experience at such a young age.  But Kazutaka had endured more at the age of sixteen than most people would ever have to in their entire lives, a fact that really was quite sad since it made one realize that Kazutaka never really had the chance to simply be a child.  His best friend simply bore such a heavy burden that he was surprised that Kazutaka could bear it any longer, the weight so much that by all means it should have crushed him years ago, but miraculously enough, he had managed to survive under such hardships.  He supposed that this only served to make his friend stronger, stronger probably than he would be if he were forced to undergo similar circumstances.

"I can't ever forgive him.  I hate him!"  The sudden outburst depicting such malice in his normally soft voice, that it even surprised him.

"Kazutaka…"

"I-I just wished that he would die…"  His voice trembled, as he continued to hold his face, in attempt to hide all of the emotions that were swelling up inside of him, though the single tear that trickled from between his fingers betrayed him.

"Don't worry, it'll all work out I'm sure."  Somehow he managed to force a smile upon his face, as he pat the other boy on the back gently in an attempt at reassurance.  "It'll all be ok soon, you'll see."

But it probably wouldn't be ok, he knew, since things like this couldn't easily be forgotten or forgiven, it would probably take Kazutaka several years before he finally came to terms with this.  Even then, Kazutaka's wounds may never heal, at least not completely, and he would probably bear them for the rest of his life, just as he now had an older brother to live with.

Sometimes life could be so unfair.

*****

Life went on though, and soon enough several months had passed since Saki's arrival, though things appeared to remain the same; not any worse and not any better, they just remained the same.  He supposed though that nothing was better than something worse which could occur, something that he didn't even want to think about right now, especially as he tried to piece his life back together again.  As one would guess though, things had changed between his father and him, since he now held no respect for the man, at least none that was real, for all he could show now was a false respect which he only displayed to the man's face.  For now he not only disrespected the man for what he had done, but he had also grown to hate him, hate him so badly that he wished that he would simply disappear or even die.  As morbid and as violent as it may have sounded, he prayed that he would die, he even dreamt of it, and he even thought of killing the man himself…

But he tried to push these thoughts aside and move on with his life, though that was apparently never meant to be, when at last his wishes did come true and his father died.

He remembered it to be a cool autumn day, on the day that his father had died, a day that he remembered best because of the gentle rainfall that fell from the gray skies, since he loved the rain and the color of the skies seemed to match just how he felt inside, if not worse.  That day he had been outside, sitting beneath a lone sakura tree overlooking the sea, which crashed and foamed against the jagged rocks below that protruded from the earth from just beneath the water's surface.  He had often come here to think since it was one of his favorite places to get away from all of his problems, a place where he could simply be left alone, his only company being the gentle rustling sound of the soft breeze as it passed through the tree's flowery branches and his own thoughts.  The rain didn't bother him even as it pelted his bare skin and drenched his clothes with its icy droplets, which rolled down his silvery hair and down the soft white skin of his face, just like the many tears that he had shed in his despair, though now all of his tears had seemed to have dried up and no more would come.

It was after staying here for a time that he returned home, only to find one of the family servants standing outside, a grave look upon his face as he silently approached him.

"Terrible news young master," He said, bowing his head.  "It's about the master, your father…"

"What is it?"  He asked as the bile suddenly began to rise up into his throat and as his heartbeat escalated to incalculable heights.

"The master…he's dead."

Strangely enough, despite how much he hated the man, the words struck him as shocking, almost unbelievable, it simply was too hard for him to believe that his father was really dead, for deep down he still did love him since he had always in his heart been his father, and nothing could change that.  His mind spun as realization at last struck, and the same sickness that he had felt the day that Saki had arrived began to overcome him again, and for a moment he nearly stopped breathing as his knees buckled beneath him and he fell to the ground.  He didn't even feel it as he hit the ground, his eyesight growing blurred as he watched the droplets of rain water continue to tumble toward the earth, splashing upon him and next to him in the small pool that had formed there.  But he barely noticed it now as he slipped into the depths of unconsciousness, everything growing blurry and darker until he couldn't see anymore, and the muffled sounds of panicking voices lulled him into a troubled sleep.

'Tou-sama… Tou-sama's dead…'

_Kazutaka…_

'What have I done…?'

**_He doesn't love us, he's never loved us…_**

****

**_He'll kill us…_**

****

**_We'll die, we'll die, we'll die!_**

****

**_I wish he were dead!_**

****

**_I'm sorry…I just wish for the pain to stop…make it stop!_**

****

_Kazutaka…_

**_Please…just make it all stop…_**

****

_Your pain…_

**_I'm sorry!_**

_Our pain…I can make it stop…_

**_I-I didn't mean for it to happen!_**

_…If you'll let me_

**_Please forgive me…_**

_Just let me feed off of your pain…_

**_…Even if it's a false forgiveness_**

_…Let yourself feed off of your pain_

**_Though I don't deserve it…_**

_Then you'll become stronger…and no one will be able to hurt you anymore_

**_After all the pain I've caused…It's all my fault…_**

_Let your pain become your joy, all that you live for…for your pain is eternal, and it shall always be there for you, even when there's no one left to turn to._

**_Oh my god!  Oh my god!_**

****

_Let pain, let death give you new life, new meaning…_

**_He's dead!_**

****

_The tears that you've shed…_

**_Oh god what do we do now…..what do we do now?_**

****

_…they shall not all be in vain, but rather they shall be the beginning, the beginning of your ascension…_

**_Make it stop!!!_**

****

_…your ascension into Hell…___

**_Why?!  Why?!  Oh god why?!_**

****

_Let me help you…_

**_Help me…_**

****

_Since I promise that I'll always be there for you…_

**_There is no god…_**

****

_I promise…_

*****

He awoke to the sounds of several voices, and a terrible throbbing headache that nearly caused him to black out again as he sat up, the room seeming to dance around him in a whirlwind of colors and jumbled images that slowly once more took up their normal shapes as he gave his eyes time to focus.  Once the room stopped spinning he was finally able to make out where exactly he was, in his bed, several bandages wrapped around his head and dressed in a fresh set of clothes, though the scent of rain still remained.  He could barely remember what had happened before he fell unconscious, since all that he now could remember was simply falling to the ground and seeing how pretty the sky seemed to look…so dark and unforgiving, so beautiful.  But then it was gone, as he slipped into unconsciousness, into darkness, and then there was nothing…until he at last awoke again, now in a kaleidoscope of colors, sights, and sounds.

Then he remembered, and the truth had at last set in…..his father was dead, but how?  What had happened?  He had fainted before ever learning what had really happened, and now he lie upon his bed in his room, obviously he had been taken there by one of the family servants and tended to before they went off to take care of something else.  Then he wondered if his mother knew, and how she would react to the news; would she simply be happy with the fact or would she completely lose her mind.  

He was afraid to know the answer.

"Ka-sama?"  He weakly called out, as he attempted to rise from his bed, the room beginning to spin once again.

"Ka-sa-"

"Young master you're awake, we were so terribly worried."

"Where is my mother?"  Lifting his head he gazed at the servant, who stood near the foot of his bed, a concerned look upon his face.

"Why, she's in the other room-"

Hearing that he immediately rushed out of the room, his mind still swimming, though he paid it no heed, since he had to find his mother and find out what was happening.  For he had to know, even if the truth would totally consume and destroy him, he just had to know…

As he made his way down the dim hallway he heard the muffled sounds of sobs in the distance, coming from behind the living room door, followed by other muffled voices that seemed to speak barely above a whisper.  As he drew closer he was able to make out the voices a little bit clearer, though they were still not completely audible to him, but the sudden outburst made by his mother in the other room stopped him dead in his tracks, as she wailed like she had been shot.  Perhaps his father's demise coming like a shot through her heart, a shot that pierced so deeply that it even penetrated the impermeable walls of her insanity and for a moment she was the woman that she once was, his mother.  For some strange reason this idea sent a chill down his spine as he quietly approached the closed door, and stood before it, trying to make out what was being said just on the other side.

"Why?  God why?!"  He heard his mother whimper in despair, a phrase which she repeated almost constantly as the other two voices spoke amongst each other in hushed tones, voices which he now recognized to have belonged to another two of the household servants.

"The poor mistress…she needn't have seen any of that."  A feminine, voice said softly.

"Better that she heard it from us though, than finding out for herself later on."  The other masculine-sounding voice replied, "Murder after all, isn't something lightly taken, especially when it's in such a brutal way like that…"

_Murder?!__  His father was murdered?!_

"Yes, the poor master, I've heard that his throat was slit so deeply that it almost cut through clean to the bone."

"Such a terrible way to die…but it appears as if it weren't done with an ordinary knife, it looked more like the work of a katana…"

"Now there's some psychopath out there running around killing people with a katana?  How dreadful!"

He didn't hear much about the rest that they said as he leaned against the wall nearest the door for support, his mind now spinning in every direction as he was assaulted once more by several disembodied voices and sounds, things that would frighten even the most courageous of men.  Worst of all though were the images that seemed to play out before his eyes, images from his memory that depicted things that he wished that he could forget, but was unable to, seeing as they haunted his mind unconsciously with each breath that he took.  He couldn't think anymore, he just wanted it all to stop, stop the images, voices, and sounds that assaulted his tortured mind…he just wanted to make them all stop and go away, as he prayed to himself that all of this were just some sort of horrible dream, a nightmare.  But he didn't wake up…for this was bittersweet reality, and he simply couldn't seem to take it anymore as he slipped unconsciously down the wall until he found himself sitting against the wall, his head hung and tears running down his face as he trembled violently.

Nothing would ever be ok…he knew this now, since Oriya's kind words held no truth to them, for he was doomed to be trapped within this endless cycle of pain, and despite what he did he would never be able to free himself from it.  Not until the cycle also claimed his life, a life he now wasn't sure was even worth living anymore.  It was too much to bear, and all that he could do was silently stand by and watch as his entire world fell apart, as all visions of the world that he knew faded into darkness, as the sun also disappeared within the darkness and all traces of spiritual energy faded.  His gift, his curse, it haunted him now as clearly as the fact that he could no longer sense his father's spiritual aura, which made the truth sting even more.

'God, if you're even there…why do you let such things happen?  What is it that I've done to cause you to hate me so?'

'Why…?'  Tears continued to roll down his pale cheeks, and fell upon the backs of his hands which were balled up into fists.  'Why won't you just kill me now?!'

"Why?!"  He had shouted and had not even realized it, as he simply stared at the air before him, his eyes focusing on nothing at all.

So lost in his own despair, he failed to even notice as the door before him opened and the two household servants that had been talking inside stepped out, both of them looking upon him with concerned faces.

"Poor child can't take it anymore…"  The maid whispered, as the butler went over to him and gently picked him up from where he sat, though he still continued to weep bitterly, murmuring incoherent things to himself as he allowed the butler to carry him back to his room.  Though through tear-blurred eyes he thought that he actually saw his mother standing in the hall looking back at him as he looked over the butler's shoulder, his head leaned slightly against it as he forced his eyes shut in his agony.

'Kazutaka…'  His mother stared after the crying boy that was being carried away in the butler's arms, 'My poor Kazutaka-san…'

It seemed like hours that he had been there lying silently within the darkness, tears rolling down his face as he stared off blankly at the ceiling, just praying for all of the madness to stop, all of the pain to stop.  He didn't know how much time had passed since he had been placed in there by the butler, but then again, he didn't really care anymore, for to him time simply ceased to exist…almost like everything else that he knew had.  It was hard to describe exactly what he felt right then, though the first most obvious would be despair of course, but beneath despair and sorrow lay still other emotions that had yet to surface, emotions such as his terrible anger and his desire to simply destroy everything that had ruined his life.  These were normal emotions though, especially considering someone under his particular circumstances.

'Just let me die now, since I don't want to live anymore…I don't want to have to continue living a nightmare, a life where there is nothing to live for.  In death my pain will finally go away, and I'll be able to find true peace at last, peace that I will never find in life.  I know that I'm being selfish, but that is all that I want…I want death more than anything else, so please, if you have any mercy please let me die.  I don't care if it hurts, for nothing can hurt as bad as what I've already suffered through, so just lie me down and let me rest at last…'

He slid his eyes shut, hoping beyond hope that his prayers would be answered and that his heart would just cease to beat.

A knock at the door, but he didn't move, as he continued to lie still his eyes remaining shut and the tears now all dried upon his pale skin, though the signs of their former presence upon his face were still quite clear.  He never even really heard the knock at the door, for he was too lost in his own thoughts, his own misery, to really pay any heed to anything else happening around him, and he actually could care less right then about it.  Instead he lied there, considering one of the biggest decisions that he would make in his entire life…but there wouldn't be much more time for him to consider things, at least not right now.

Quietly the door swung open and the person that had knocked made their way inside, gently closing the door behind them before making their way toward his bedside and sitting beside of where he now lay.  It was probably nothing more than one of the household servants coming to check up on him again.

"Kazutaka, why are you crying?"

That voice…

He slowly opened his eyes and gazed up at the older boy, who looked down at him with those same emotionless, cold gray eyes, eyes that he had often seen in his nightmares.

"It's nothing."  He replied flatly, his throat felt terribly dry, almost like sandpaper, which made it difficult to swallow.

"Is it because Tou-sama's dead?"  The boy's words were blunt and emotionless, as if he were asking an ordinary question, as if it meant absolutely nothing, what he had just said.  Did he not feel anything?  But he supposed that he shouldn't expect such things from the older boy, since he after all probably barely even knew their father.

He didn't respond, instead he turned his back to the older boy and stared at the blank wall, a sudden chill running down his spine for some strange reason.

"Don't worry, everything will be fine."

He felt a hand touch his shoulder and then squeeze it gently, in a silent sign of reassurance, a feeling that he had longed to have for awhile now, since neither of his parents would have ever done such a thing for him.  It all was so much, and it hurt so bad, that he could already feel the tears welling up in his eyes again as he finally forced himself to sit up and face the older boy, his brother, who still held his hand upon his shoulder.  Then gazing into the older boy's eyes did he let the tears flow again, as in his despair he wrapped his arms around his brother and buried his face in his shoulder crying, since he felt that his sorrow was too much to bear alone right now, and slowly he felt as the older boy wrapped his arms about him and held him as he wept.  His brother gently stroking his hair as he cried, and for that moment he forgot all about Saki and his differences, as the older boy helped to share his sorrow and to comfort him when he needed it most and no one else was there to provide that sort of reassurance.

"Why…?"  He wept, "Why must everything fall apart?  Why must I be the one to have to live like this…?"

The older boy didn't reply, he simply continued to gently stroke his hair, running his fingers through it, soothing the younger boy's fraying nerves and helping to soothe all of the years of despair and pain that he had to endure, which all seemed to come forth now in a wave of mixed emotions.  It just felt so good right then to finally be able to release all of his bottled up emotions and share them with someone else, so that he wouldn't have to endure the pain utterly alone, nor suffer silently as his burden grew steadily heavier, right then it seemed that at long last he had someone to share his pain with, and that they really were brothers.  For they both had now lost their father, and despite Saki's not really knowing him, he was sure that his older brother still felt some sort of pain like his, for Saki had to endure the loss of his mother not too long ago, and now his father, at least he still had his mother.  He felt sorry for Saki right then in the midst of his despair, for Saki had to endure not one, but the death of both of his parents in so short a period of time, which was no doubt very hard on him, yet somehow Saki managed to survive, still able to smile unhindered by all the tragedy that had befallen him.

"I just want it all to stop…I just want the pain to stop.  I want it all to end."  He murmured, his head still buried in the older boy's shoulder as tears continued to roll down his cheeks.  "I just want it all to end…"

"Do not worry Kazutaka," A smile touched his lips as he said this, "Soon enough it will all be over."

**_To be continued….._**


End file.
